Spring Cleaning

Every year I make a feeble attempt to "spring clean" my house. It usually lasts for a few days until other priorities take precedence (like watching my little bean play outside, or taking time to enjoy her "tea"). However, in the midst of my cleaning, I often neglect to do some online cleaning. So, this spring, that's what I've done.

First, I started with my Facebook account. A new year's resolution of mine was to spend less time on the site. Like most resolutions, after a few weeks it was hard to keep. Reason being, I was so dang distracted by all the updates in my "friends'" lives. Then, after a egregious misunderstanding via Facebook with a supposed friend, I realized the need to detach myself from the "social networking" scene (so, here I am blogging...so it goes). I deleted all of my "friends" and use facebook to keep up to date with my favorite stores and info websites. It saves me hours a week. Plus, I have been able to reacquaint myself with friends I haven't spent real face time with. Personal face to face interactions are the basis for relationships, not narcissistic voyeurs in cyberspace.

Next, I cleaned out my inbox. Since I started using myspace, then ultimately facebook, I have not really kept up with all the spam. I had over 5000 messages in my inbox. It took three days to finally get rid of them all, but now, I can actually check my e-mail without having to sift through all the junk.

Decluttering helps not only organize aspects of your life; it helps clear the mind and relieve stress too.

Being nice to yourself is not selfish

What is the point for our existence? Is it to suffer through life and just “suck things up” until we are lucky enough to have happiness? I am reading Jillian Michaels’ book Unlimited. In the book, she point blank tells the readers to get up and seek out their own happiness by making the choices to make life happen for them, not to them. As a result, I have put her words to work in my own life. Small changes of course, because you can only move forward one step at a time. We are here to enjoy our lives, not suffer through them.

First, I ditched the excuse that I was just “too sore” to work out. True, my joints have been a little sore. However, they do not impede me from exercising. In fact, all the reading up on any potential joint malady I may have can only be improved by regular exercise. Second, I reflected on things I used to do back when I “had time.” I remember practicing yoga, and loving it. Well, why can’t I do that now? I don’t have time? Right. I didn’t have time for it because it was not important enough for me. I changed that thought. I found two classes I can attend each week that are part of my gym membership. We make time for the things that matter to us. For me, the peace of mind and relaxation I feel from yoga is important enough for me to fit in a class at 8:00pm on a Tuesday night. It feels good to take care of me.

Taking care of me also means taking care of what I put in my body. For years now, I have wanted to become vegetarian. I tried it in college, but had the wrong focus: it was a diet, not a lifestyle. I feel strongly about the treatment of animals for our food supply. I am sickened by the abuse these creatures endure by both the handlers and the chemicals/ hormones they must ingest to make them plump and fit for eating. I worry that the chemicals and bacteria found in our food supply is not healthy for our consumption. I do not believe that the FDA is altruistic with their labeling. They are lobbied just as much as any other political office. Artificial food, additives, and processing strips food of its nourishment and negates the very reason for consuming it. I also believe that our mind/ emotions can be affected by what we eat. If we focus on a pure and natural diet, we will be more emotionally balanced. Being vegetarian is a lifestyle, not a diet, not a fad. I plan to embrace the lifestyle, one step at a time.

Coming to these few revelations has already lifted a burden off my shoulders. Being true to yourself and the needs you have can remove unnecessary stress from your life. After all, it is your life you have to live…no one else can do it for you. Move, then, towards your own happiness one step at a time.

A brief list of things worth living for..

The things that make me happy to be alive...
1. Hearing that little voice say "mama."
2. Listening to the laugh of my child (it totally melts away any risidual stress from the day).
3. Breathing. Especially when going up that hill on Green Valley pushing a jogging stroller.
4. Smelling...flowers in bloom, homemade cookies, apples, and shitty diapers. Yeah, you read that right.
5. Stretching...in bed in the morning, or after an intense 20 min. workout.
6. Hot showers with Zum soap and Burt Bees bath oil.
7. Running. You appreciate your body so much more when you push it beyond that comfy zone. Running does that for me.
8. Desperate Housewives...sometimes you need some trash to totally unwind.
9. Homemade cheesecake. With Strawberries. Enough said.
10. Seeing my little one grow before my eyes. Heaven forbid if I should blink now.
11. Old bookstores. I always have to buy at least one book when I visit. Makes me feel like I'm holding history in my hands...where has the book been...whose hands have held the cover and whose eyes have skimmed these pages? Where will it go from here?
12. Teaching...even on the darkest days a student can say something, or do something, that just makes you feel like you actually do matter...even if it's just for a moment.
13. Writing--sometimes the written word is the most powerful.
14. Dancing (when no one is watching) is liberating (and who cares really if they do watch...maybe they're just wishing they were as comfortable in their skin as you are in yours).
15. Donuts. Fresh at nine o'clock at night, after a 2 mile walk to get one...but just one...at a time.
16. Rollercoasters, Amusement Parks, and Carnivals...we all love being a kid...
17. Family. The starting point in life. We all know no one has the perfect one, but we have a story to tell...and that makes life interesting.
18. Memories...knowing that some will fade with time makes them even more precious.

The Shape of a Mother

What is the shape of a mother?
History has not been so kind to me,
So I don't think I can answer fairly.
Mother, to me, has never been real--
An elusive shape shifter that calls on the phone
or an emotionally distant shadow
that dangles out of reach, just barely
Just enough--to keep me begging for more...
What is the shape of a mother?
Is she the one with the needle in her arm?
The straw up her nose...living that hedonistic life?
Willing to drop all...forget all...for a moment's worth of pleasure?
Is she the one who takes in the lost sheep
Because her own she couldn't keep?
Fill us with hopes, dreams, and lies
then bash them to pieces before our very own eyes?
What is the shape of a mother?
Is she but seventeen
confused, a kid, a girl with innocence lost?
Or is she forty-five
gearing up for round two or three?
Did they even really want me
afterall?
What is the Shape of a Mother?
Is she thin, model thin, with wispy black hair
Mysterious blue-green eyes and that cigarette
balancing between her fingers
like a painted butterfly without wings?
Or is she not?
Perhaps a little jealousy for things of vain
lost over youth foolishly spent.
What is the Shape of a Mother?
Bruised, bended, broken
by life's unfortunate toils
leaves but an emotional heap
on the burden of my shoulders
Leaving me to ask
"What is the shape of a mother
supposed to be?"
A woman.
A woman who loves unselfishly.
A woman who cares unconditionally.
A woman who knows what it's like to feel pain.
A woman who'd do it all again
without blinking an eye.
What is the Shape of a Mother?
A woman with stretch marks
to prove her courage.
The courage to say
"I'm more beautiful now than I ever was--
all because of this little life that grew from me"
A woman who's not afraid
of nursing her child
from her breast,
from her heart,
knowing that it's best
What is the Shape of a Mother?
A woman who yearns for a healthy body
not for vanity
or wishful thinking
but because she knows
she's got to around to see hear
grandbabies cry,
to see them walk,
and say
"I love you."
What is the Shape of a Mother?
A woman with an open mind
enough to see the differences
in the world without
closing them out.
But not a naive mind--
The world can be a dangerous place
and someone
needs to be there to
pick up the pieces
because there will be pieces.
What is the Shape of a Mother?
A woman that wants to be...
That woman could be you...
That woman is me.

Jillian Michaels, You Are Evil.

So, Let's just do a quick re-cap here...I've been yo-yoing with my weight ...well...since as long as I can remember. It was easy in high-school to stay fit because I ran cross-country. In college, I lost 15 pounds my freshmen year because I ran cross-country. Then...I stopped running regularily...and the weight crept on...slowly at first...until I reached what I thought would be my all time ever high...187. I panicked. I tried every weight loss gimmick I could find. Then, I joined Weight Watchers. In 8 months, I lost nearly 60 pounds. I was running again...I finally qualified for the Boston Marathon (a high point in my life, even today). Then, I got injured. This time the weight didn't creep on...it, well, seemed to stick over night. In one month I gained 20 pounds. I stutter started Weight Watchers too many times to count. Each year, I got progressively heavier. I stepped on the blasted scale, and cried...a new all time high...194. Something had to be done. With resolve this time, I joined Weight Watchers again. It seemed to be working for me. I lost 20 pounds in three months. I was on a roll...a healthy lifestyle seemed to have found its groove with me. Then, I got pregnant. That healthy lifestyle decided to fly south for the next 37 weeks. I know it's not good for your self esteem to weigh yourself while pregnant...I did anyway. Days before I went into labor, I topped the scale at 247 pounds. This is a number I never ever want to see again...pregnant or not. In fact, I believe the complications I had with my delivery (pre-term, LO in the NICU for 5 days) was directly related to my prenatal health. At six weeks post-partum (weighing 209), I joined Weight Watchers...again...but with a sense of changing my lifestyle, not implementing a diet. Four months later, all of my pregnancy weight was GONE! I was back to 175...my weight before I got pregnant. I thank my dedication, breastfeeding, and WW. However, since starting my journey, I have fallen into a rut, seven month rut. I gain a little, I lose a little..but in the end, I am still 175. Something had to change,
Enter in Jillian Michaels, the hardcore trainer from the Biggest Loser. I bought her 30 day Shred DVD, thinking that I could wing a 20 minute workout in the morning, plus do my regular workouts in the evening. Day 1...I felt the burn after Level 1. Didn't think too much of it, and chalked it up to being a good workout. Day 2...I thought my legs (all of them) would explode. I can't raise my arms over my head, and my torso aches when I twist in any direction. Yet, despite this pain, I think I am looking forward to tomorrow's session. Therein lies the evil in Jillian Michaels. She makes you want to feel pain. But, they do say "no pain, no gain." Let's get shredded!